you've got to lose yourself...

i looked at you and i saw innocence.

you walked like you were sure the world wasn't watching -- the thought of yourself as a factor, as anything in this context didn't even enter your mind.

and you looked around with a simple gaze, the invisible observer, moving through the crowd of people - from the ones who had found their place and who they were to the ones who were struggling to find themselves and fit themselves into a new place.

they left you alone, these people, because it didn't occur to them you were something special. you weren't part of their every day concerns and so they let you walk alone...sit alone, eat alone, think alone, be alone.

every thought, every reaction, every statement was yours, made from the outside, unbiased, unafraid and unconcerned of reactions and of labels being attached...

labels like "she's so sweet and innocent" or "he's so dumb you look into his eyes and see empty space behind them", good or bad, never came. coz they didnt give a damn enough to even notice that you were worth something to comment upon. you were just there, another face in the crowd.

maybe you thought this was a bad thing. maybe you thought this should change. maybe you were just happy living your life. i don't know...

but i...i wish it hadn't changed.

its an interesting observation in human behaviour and psychology, what happened when the crowd noticed you...and what happened to you when you started thinking about why they noticed you.

you became aware something about you was special enough to be noticed. it would've been okay if you had realized what it was and stuck to it, been mature enough to realize the crowd is fickle, they don't know you and like you, they like the story, the drama of it all...

...they catch the hint of a spectacular show, cash in and buy the tickets...and walk out of the theatre once the show is over. they never look back. they don't know the actors as real people, they only know the characters. maybe they like them right now. maybe they really like them right now. but the one thing thats for certain is that they'll forget sooner or later, when a newer, better, hotter drama comes along.

but you're just a kid, learning life's lessons the hard way. nobody can teach them to you, least of all me in a blog you probably won't even read.

so where were we? oh yes...

...we were where it finally hits that you're the hotshot football player...or the incredible basketball player...the one that was picked out and set apart from everyone else. everything about you is sexy- the way you walk, the way you talk, even the way you drink that 15 rupee pack of Real juice...hell, it must be that the everyday You is amazing coz thats what got noticed, isn't it?

you're popular and nice. they smile at you and laugh at your jokes. you're the topic of the hottest and juciest gossip, and everyone knows your name. if there's anyone at the top of the pack, the top of the world, its you.

so now...now when you walk through the crowd you don't just watch the others. you wonder whether they're watching you. but oh wait...now you know they're watching...so you play to the crowd.

you walk for them...you sit with them...you eat with them...you think about them and like them...because now you define yourself by what they think. you are one of them- one of the many sitting in a group trying to convince each other they're something.

so let me ask you a question.

if you've succeeded, if this "popularity" is the measure of your success...what is so special about you now that you're just. one. of. them?

...just another face in the crowd, playing to the crowd, trying to be noticed among all the others trying to be noticed.

see one day you'll wake up and realize that everyone knows each other now. for them, you're nothing new, nothing that hasn't been seen before. as they live their lives, they're not going to think about you too much.

and you'll wonder who you are and where you fit in. you'll look for the people who know you and like you. they'll be hard to find because you probably left them behind when you were being one of the crowd because you didn't have energy to do both - perform for the masses and be real to a few. thats okay...there's loads of time. but you can't feel it now; now you're just confused and a little bit lost.

and i have enough faith to believe you'll get to this point- because some don't; some pick performing to the masses over being real. but the one thing i know about this place (all of you know what place i'm talking about) is that you can't hide yourself, can't hide who you really are forever. maybe a few people here and there won't notice, but the real you will come out.

maybe you have to lose yourself to find yourself or to even think about defining who you are...i don't know...

but waiting for that day, i'm going to try to give you a answer now...though you will probably never read what i've written here and though you won't understand, can't understand until you're there and have been through it...

i want you to know...

i remember the boy with the straightforward gaze and the genuine smile. i remember why i noticed him and thought the world of him.

and i want to tell him - it is not the crowd, it was never the crowd that made you special...

you already were.

because you didn't care what they thought.

darwin would be proud...

so.

you probably think you're a reasonably nice person.

you're pretty patient. sociable, friendly.

you've got normal levels of tolerance.

you can play it easy, you pride yourself on being (again, reasonably) laid back

hell, you might even break out and say that you, you go with the flow.

and now you're in law school.

you discover you're living in a dorm with 33 other girls, all with their own nice little individual, unique and distinctive personalities. they're all dynamic and special in their own way. its the first few days and you're happy to learn that they're all soooo nice. why, everyone likes each other here. its a fucking paradise, where everyone has the same plan. good intentions abound, leap about and bounce off the walls.

we'll revel in the new and wonderful experiences together. we'll smile a lot until our cheeks hurt with the effort. we'll push down the niggling thought at the back of our minds that all we want to do is claw each others eyes out. we'll put on our best faces. eat food off of each others plates. sit in large circles and sing. play truth or dare, get to know each other. share, smile, laugh, repeat.


best of all there's this nice friendly habit of congregating in the hallways and giggling. you know, to show everyone how friendly you are. "hi!" "hey doll! *giggle giggle*" oh wait did you just see that person 5 seconds ago? it doesn't matter. hell, you're such good friends you missed them already. therefore, repeat the friendly greeting process. make them feel like there was nothing more you wanted for this second of your life than to meet them, here, in this dusty, dim hallway. throw in blinding smiles and giggles at regular intervals, especially when you feel the mask slipping. let them know they've fulfilled your dreams. at this moment, you are the happiest person in the world. you started your fun-filled and joyous day by seeing their sweet and charming face.

this is all well and good for a few months. this is the sickly sweetness tolerance and acting capacity of a normal 18 year old girl. some of the players in the nice game have superhuman abilities. watch out for them. if they can go their room alone to recuperate regularily, they maybe able to sustain the moves for many many months, years maybe. a totally different kind of player, they're on another plane. actually, they're pretty scary and intimidating when you think about the effort it all takes. henceforth these people will be the most likely candidates for the source of all your future social problems.

but then comes the realization, you can't cover up the cracks forever. it'll show. somethings gotta give. there are just too many negative, snide, and (at times) murderous thoughts inhabiting the darker corners of your mind, and it is threating to leak out. here's the solution.

pick out your go-to bitching person well in advance. this is the person who should be the most trustworthy, someone you think will keep your deep dark thoughts secret, they are very, very, discreet. somehow this person always turns out to be bitching about you in turn. you are very surprised when you discover this. you deserve better. you'd never have thought it of them. bitching about you behind your back? you thought they were better than that. but thats life. find someone new. keep a diary. either way, get an outlet for your emotions. bad thoughts are socially unacceptable in nice world.

one rule of note to follow when selecting your go-to bitching person. make sure they're not the go-to bitching person for one of the targets of your petty lashing-out. this inevitably leads to problems, basically one mutual friend being very very fed up with both of you. this person will probably tell you to fuck off. at this point it all works out well because then the two of you can get together and bitch about your mutual ex-go-to bitching person. because neither of you really liked her that much anyway.

revel in your new social setting. girl world, nice world. the paradise where everyone always has a smile, just for YOU. they might ccp it to others, but hell its the thought that matters, right?

well, this is nothing like you've ever known. prepare to be pushed..prepare to test the limits of your patience...prepare to stalk and glare meaningfully...explore the bounds of your acting abilities. and when those ideas just fall flat on their face, prepare to scream so that they all stare at you, startled and wondering why in gods name you are having a fit in the middle of the hallway.

at this point in time, when you've finally cracked, about half of them have reached their breaking points too. they let the indifference show without realizing - they shrug, turn away and go back to giggling. some of them who have really lost it might join you in the screaming because they think thats the new cool thing to be doing. thankfully these nutcases are very few. you should pity them.

the other half, well those tricky foxes. they're still maintaining the facade. they'll come over and ask if you are OK. as soon as they have reassurance enough to cover their asses in case the issue of their caring ever comes up, about 98% will turn back and rejoin the giggling ones.

the two percent that remain? hold on to them. even then, a couple of them might turn out to be bad eggs. but the last person standing well, thats truly survival of the fittest.

and you deserve some praise. for going through all that. yeah it was worth it wasn't it?

congratulations, you have weeded out a new best friend.